My horror-scope is mocking me

 Trust me, I spelled it in a suitable fashion....

You're feeling a bit moody today, but not in a way that should impact your friends and family too much. It's a good time to reflect on the weirder aspects of your life and see what comes next.



One begs to ask....weirder than what?

Wednesday Affirmation

My emotions are valid. I am beautiful and I deserve to pursue, share, and express unconditional love, pleasure, and happiness. I bring new love into the world. I am empowered by love and my gift is beauty in truth."

Monday Blues

Yup I got em...



So I'm giving them a soundtrack...



You have to love good blues music sung by a very soulful female who you just know by the sound of her voice that she feels her song.

Of course Nina Simone makes being blue sound almost happy....then again she could sing the phonebook and make it sound good.



You find the blues in unusual places


I guess somethings are universal, I mean really for a scrawny middleaged white Brit you have to admit that Clapton does it pretty well too




Sometimes.....you don't even need words to wail the blues...

Affirmation Saturday

Every Cell in my body vibrates with energy and health.
Loving myself heals my life.
I nourish my mind, body and soul.
I prosper wherever I turn and I know that I deserve prosperity of all kinds.
The more grateful I am, the more reasons I find to be grateful.
I know that I deserve Love and accept it now.
I attract only healthy relationships. 
I am the perfect weight for me and will be the perfect weight for me no matter what weight I am.
I choose to make positive healthy choices for myself .
When I believe in myself, so do others.
I will express my needs and feelings.
I am my own unique self - special, creative and wonderful.

Recipe Thursday - Mango Chicken and Tomato Avocado Salad

Mango Chicken Recipe

• 1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
• 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
• 1/4 teaspoon dried thyme or 3/4 teaspoon chopped fresh thyme
• 1 pinch ground nutmeg
• 1 pinch cayenne pepper
• 1 lb boneless skinless chicken
• 2 teaspoons margarine (becel)
• 1 ripe but firm mango, peeled and cut into chunks
• 2 shallots, thinly sliced
• salt
• 1/4 cup chopped fresh coriander
• 1/2 lime, juice of

1. In a small dish stir together spices.
2. Sprinkle both sides of chicken breasts with spice mixture.
3. Heat margarine in a large nonstick frypan over medium high heat.
4. Add chicken breasts and cook, turning occasionally, until both sides are deep golden brown and chicken is no longer pink inside, about 10 to 15 minutes.
5. Add mango and green onions.
6. Cook, stirring, just until heated through, about 1 minute.
7. Remove from heat.
8. Sprinkle with salt, coriander and squeeze lime over.
9. Serve immediately.

Tomato Avocado Salad
3 avocados - cubed.
6 Roma tomatos - sliced
a small bag of baby spinach
a bag of Sargento Italian or Parmesan cheese.(use as much as you like - if you can get Asiago use slivers of that)
4 cloves of chopped garlic (about a tablespoon full of pre-done jar garlic)
A nice drizzle of olive oil
Coarse ground sea salt to taste
Ground pepper - to taste.
Toss all together  chill  for about an hour then serve.

My poor art therapist is going to need therapy...

She really is going to need some time on someone's couch...and maybe some nice soothing valium and a cozy wrap around sweater with extra long arms.


"you're using an awful lot of black in your painting...I mean most of it is black" (one of the other folks in the studio)
"it's the void that my life is...I have nothing" (said by Soccer mom -  with her lexus, diamond tennis bracelets and razor cut hair - to a skinny kid with almost worn out jeans and sneakers and no coat)
and just when I was about to feel sorry for her ( I mean hey...material things really aren't everything - maybe she's lacking in love an friendship) she adds " My husband won't let me remodel the kitchen because we did it year before last"


Well there went most of my pity...

I couldn't help myself ...I had to ask

"So...the black represents your despair over not being able to remodel......again?"

"Yes" deep sigh and a little sniffle

*blink blink blink* Okay...so maybe she's Martha Stewart and her kitchen is her version of art supplies and software.....

"Do you cook a lot?"

"oh I hate cooking we order out when the au pair isn't in.....but I really want us to have a Green kitchen...eveyone's going green"

I had to wash the cobalt blue paint off of my forehead where my hand automatically went...glasses and hair too.

*blink blink blink*

"You do know that...all of the two year old things that you have in your kitchen right now would most likely go to a rubbish heap..... or some such...thus creating more environmental issues?"

"Oh well...we could give those things to someone less fortunate."

God help me I now have visions of her packing up her Viking range and sub zero fridge and shipping 'em off to Haiti...

Affirmation Saturday

Pursuing and expressing my hearts desire honors my love, passion, and beauty and is worth waiting, courting or crusading for. What I lack in external means, qualification or ability, I make up for with a true and dedicated heart. I am not a victim therefore I do not need to be rescued. I am empowered by patience or self-worth and my gift is emotional availability and devotion.

Wilde-Beasts and Irate Badgers.....

Have you ever just wanted to duct-tape someone to the back of a wilde-beast and then send it stampeding through a pack of Hyenas?
Or better still....wouldn't it be great to mail a really irate badger to someone suffering from an overabundance of stupidity.

I don't want the punishment for stupid to be lethal...I mean really...if you kill them...what do they learn?

Not a damned thing... they just die stupid

Whereas if you make the punishment for stupidity shocking and memorable - then they might just catch a clue.

it could happen....

I'm a frickin optimist.

I......DON'T................ CARE!!!

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Happy New Year

My Wish for You in 2010

( I got this from a friend and thought I'd steal it for y'all)

May peace break into your home and may thieves come to steal your debts.

May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills.

May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!

May happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy

May the problems you had, forget your home address!

In simple words ............

May 2010 be the best year of your life!!

Happy New Year!!

It's been a wonderfully crazy tough year. All I have to do is look out my window and I can see that Life IS beautiful! Each of us have touched many live's this year, helped a lot of people,had a lot of laughter and a lot of tears, said goodbye to dear friends as their paths here on earth ended, greeted new souls as they've entered our world, healed our hearts and souls a bit of old wounds, met new friends and spent time with loved ones.. and it really makes me count my blessings every day!


I'm thankful to have such wonderful friends, family, beloved ones and clients. My life wouldn't be the same without each and every one of you.

My Thanksgiving wish for you: Be thankful for what you have and count your blessings! They're greater than you know.  May the rest of your year be filled with all things bright and beautiful.
and may 2010 be the best year ever - may it be filled with good health, love, laughter, good friends, prosperity, creativity and happiness.

Wisdom in music

I always find wisdom in songs.

Nickelback If Today Was Your Last Day lyrics

My best friend gave me the best advice

He said each day's a gift and not a given right

Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind

And try to take the path less traveled by

That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past

Donate every dime you have?

If today was your last day

Against the grain should be a way of life

What's worth the prize is always worth the fight

Every second counts 'cause there's no second try

So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day

And tomorrow was too late

Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?

Reminisce old memories

Would you forgive your enemies?

Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?

Swear up and down to God above

That you finally fall in love

If today was your last day

If today was your last day

Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?

You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars

Regardless of who you are

So do whatever it takes

'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life

Let nothin' stand in your way

Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day

And tomorrow was too late

Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past

Donate every dime you have?

Would you call old friends you never see?

Reminisce old memories

Would you forgive your enemies?

Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?

Swear up and down to God above

That you finally fall in love

If today was your last day

Art Therapy Take Two

Ayyup...that went well.
I spent most of last nights solo session calming down my therapist's boss. Evidently the bleach twins felt threatened by me. Not quite sure how I became the villianess of the piece (evidently I'm a scary badass). I was just standing there minding my own business and painting. A formal complaint has been made against me and against the therapist (who did absolutely nothing but try to calm the silly twunt down)

Now I will admit...the idea of committing mayhem did come to mind. and I'm thinking that should I be faced with that 'tude again that there will be moustaches and goatees painted on.

I'm thinking something in a nice Pthalo Blue or Alizarine Crimson.

Welcome to my blog

Well hi there and welcome newcomers...

Failte!

Make yourselves at home, sit a spell.

My other blog RippleFx is where I post about the world in general.

This is where I come to whine or to laugh..or just sort out what's going on in my head/personal life. Comments are welcomed.  So is advice.

this is literally a window into how I'm feeling/where my headspace is so it's not always going to be a pretty place. Sometimes the artwork will reflect that ( and yes..some of the art that I put on this blog is indeed mine). If I disturb you..sorry...if I make you laugh or think ..then yay..good for you and for me too. This is personal space laid out in public so I've changed the names to protect the not so innocent.


Slainte and merry met.

Bump in the night...

So...last night or rather in the wee hours of this morning I was sitting here working on a layout project (2:45 am to be precise - I know because I looked at the clock on the computer) I heard someone open the side door of the house and go upstairs to the apartment that my landladie's son and his family used to live in ( they moved out this week in order to get the kiddo into a better school).

At first I didn't think much of it..the kids were always night owls so I was pretty used to hearing them move around but then it hit me.... they'd moved out.....there shouldn't be anyone up there.

There was definitely movement..someone knocked something over... I was wide awake and wired on caffiene so I wasn't dreaming noises. I listened a moment or two more then looked out and didn't see any odd cars so I picked up the phone and dialed my landlady. I hated to do it..it was odarkthirty..but I didn't want to call the cops if the kids had come to do late night painting or some such. They both have authority figure issues - they hate cops.

No luck.

I debated a bit then finally went outside and around to their door. The nextdoor neighbors lights were all on...and upstairs in the apartment over my place..every light was on  - whoa...brave burglars if it was burglars.

I thought about it for a moment then knocked..loudly.

all movement stopped.

Then it occurred to me that if this had been a horror movie I would be toast..I'd walked around the side of the house leaving my door unlocked and unattended.

dumbass....

Classic blunder.

worse than starting a land war in asia.

and what the hell would I do if THEY did answer the door? ask to borrow a cup of sugar?

So do I sit outside all night in the cold damp ghetto...or do I woman up and go back inside and face the potential axe murderer.

It started to rain....

I went back inside figuring that I had a nice big stick and that if it was just one scrawny serial killer I could probably at least scar them for life. If nothing else the fight would be cheaper than art therapy and I wouldnt get into trouble for smacking or biting.

I'm happy to report...there was no masked madman waiting when I got back inside....he must have read my last couplr of blogs figured out that I was both stressed and crazy so he slipped quietly out the back and went on to seek out  a nice nubile cheerleader.

The kids are up there now seeing what all's missing. I told them the next time I hear a bump or thump it's just an immediate call to 911.

A bad case of WTF

Well...It's been a wee bit since I've blogged. I've been kind of balls to the wall busy with work and sorting out life in general.
The last couple of weeks have been brutal with a whole squad of brutes. I've pulled a couple of all-nighters on a host of projects and have been attempting to have a social life AND juggle my various issues.

So far I haven't fallen apart, dropped dead or throttled anyone but it's been close a couple of times.

Work's been going gangbusters. It seems like since I'm not able to excell at my personal life that I'm damned and determined to kick work's ass  - and well....at the risk of sounding arrogant I rock the design stuff. It's something I can wrap my brain around and make do what I want it to..precisely if I just work it hard enough. God I love that. Man if everything else was that easy I'd be set.

I know that you're wondering about the title for the blog.......weeeeeell it's a long story.

Not satisfied with the piles of things on my plate at the moment I decided it was time to overhall my life from the ground up. Healthier eating habits (been loving that actually), daily exercise (Tai chi) and therapy. I've been toying with the notion for a bit even though I don't groove on spilling my laundry all over someone else's floor and sorting through it...I'm not really having that much luck on my own so I suppose it's time.  Cameron suggested I try Art Therapy....I researched it, it sounded interesting and certainly a much better fit for me than traditional lay on the couch and get your head shrunk stuff so I did some checking and we have several very good art therapists here in the Atlanta area.  I wrote some emails, did some phoning and ta-da! I was set up for both group and one on one sessions and it wasn't even going to break the bank.

All happy and healthy feeling I gathered up my stuff and off to AT I went. the one on one session was great. I like my ..uh....teacher/therapist. She's got a great BS detector and is straight up to the point with her insight. It was a get to know you session. I felt like I was off to a great start and was looking forward to the group session. Group is a 3 hour class that includes studio time. The talking portion of the session went fine. I didn't talk much, just the usual getting to know you crap. Hi I'm X, I'm a graphic designer, blah blah blah.
I was actually looking forward to studio time..then it started. We were allowed to bring music ( I had my shuffle and some tunes that reflected the things that had been pressing on my mind lately) so I had my earbuds in and was caught up in what I was doing rather than what was going on around me.  Next thing I knew one of my fellow students was right there tapping on my shoulder with a sullen angry expression on her face - I'm going to call her SoccerMom....mostly because Twunt is already taken and I do try to be polite and reserve titles.

SoccerMom "What're you doing?"

Me "um...Painting...."

SoccerMom "well what are you doing it like that for?"

Me "beg pardon?...this is the way I paint.... oh you mean the style, It's called underpainting, it's the way I learned how to paint"

SoccerMom "You're a professional artist"

Me "No..I'm a professional graphic designer."

SoccerMom " well..I don't think there should be professional artists in this class"

Me  "I'm a graphic designer..not a painter"
(looking around for the therapist and trying for a little humor) " Why not? trust me...artists are just as crazy as nonartists"

SoccerMom " well I think YOU people should have your own class, you make us look bad"

Me (still wrapping my brain around being one of YOU people so my mouth went on and answered for me..big mistake) "No ...somehow I don't think that I'm going to be the one making you look bad..you're doing that just shiny without me BUT that's behavior, and this isn't an art competition, this is therapy. I'm here for me and my inner demons. I honestly couldn't give a flying frak about anyone's artistic talent or training, or lack thereof. I'm not here to win...I'm here to work my issues out." I went back to painting..nice angry strokes now

Therapist approaching " Is something wrong?"

SoccerMom " She's swearing at me!"  Big tears forming (OMG...she's one of those... a weeper)


Me one eyebrow raised "Yes I did indeed swear if you count using a term from a Sci-Fi show as swearing, after she came over and told me that my kind of people..ie ..professional artists shouldn't be in this group and was generally unpleasant I told her that I didn't give a flying frak about anyone else's artistic talent that this wasn't a competition and that I was here for the inner growth and understanding but I did not swear AT her....specifically...at least not yet"

Therapist " Uh..um... well thanks for the explaination." Hurriedly (SoccerMom and her bestest buddy Barbie both look like they're about to blow) "Yes..it's not about the level of ability...this is about working on one's problems."

(angry glares from the bleach twins)

SoccerMom " well ......SHE should have to do some other kind of art so she's on the same level as the rest of us.

Barbie " Yes! it's just unfair to the rest of us to have someone who knows how to paint in here"

(the group is looking very uncomfortable and embarassed at this point)


Therapist "Well...that would be her decision but she could switch mediums if SHE wishes to, her materials are covered by her fees" she's giving me a pleading look. "we have clay already..."

SoccerMom is looking smug. Barbie looks like she's about to pee herself.

And that's when my temper just gave an audible POP

Me as I turned to the Therapist and smiled " well sure sugar...I'll switch over to clay"

SoccerMom started looking a bit less pleased and I turned to her

Me "So....Bitch.... by the way that was me swearing AT you specifically...I just wanted to make sure you got it! My major in art school was photography...not painting.....would you like to know what one of my minors was?"


I didn't wait for her to complete her meltdown or to ask

"3D Design....also known as sculpting.I prefer assemblage work but I enjoy clay as well."

That got a couple of snickers from the rest of the group

Groupmate (One of them worked up enough nerve to say boo) " she was just standing there painting and SoccerMom went over and started being hateful."

The rest of the session was spent hearing Soccermom's meltdown about how she's always so misunderstood and treated so badly.

I left with an underpainting that I'm going to work on at home and the firm resolve to either find a different group or to shove my fanbrush up her nose if she pulls shit on me again next time.

Solo session should be interesting.

life lessons...

I've been having a lot of them lately. Mostly for the good.

Events have certainly left me with food for thought and a list of things to change/work on.

Evidently gender identity is going to be a theme for a bit now. Not my own. I've always been very firmly female - despite having a tendancy towards being treated 'like one of the guys'. But it seems like people are crossing my life who are ...out of synch inside with outsides. A good friend visited this weekend. She and her husband are in town for a Trans convention.  She came and hung out with me for part of the time while he went and played. I was impressed by the grace that she handled the situation with. They've been open and honest with one another from day one which seems to be the key to everything that's worth a damn.


I don't truly understand what it's like being transgendered...like boredom it's kind of an alien concept to me. I know that it's there and that it's huge...but all I can really do is offer sympathy and open minded love to those in my life who are fighting this inner battle.  I don't have an inner baseline that I can use to truly empathize through (being treated like one of the guys..uhhhhhhhh is nowhere even on the same realm as being born physically one sex but inwardly knowing that you're the other)  It really does boggle me that folks have to deal with something so enormous and yet so ....simple. I've felt out of whack with the world around me..but never within myself.  It's tough enough dealing with day to day problems and old ghosts. I can't begin to imagine what a stone cold bitch it would be to be stuck in the wrong body. The transgendered people who have crossed my life's path this turn of the wheel have my utmost respect and awe over the grace that they deal with life with.  All I can really offer them is my ear and unconditional love. Boy...girl..it's all good..y'all would be among my favorite beings even if you were totally neuter and bright purple with lime spots.


The other theme is change and acceptance. Change the things you can....accept the things you can't. The trick is figuring out the difference.

Some kind of switch flipped over in my head on thursday...not sure what it was but I've become strangely peaceful. Evidently some sort of mental and emotional wall was pushed through. I have to admit as odd as this peace feels I much prefer it to the emotional tossing and turning that I was doing.


I have some plans and goals now...that always helps me. I think it's that Marine upbringing.
Target acquired....go and do.... OooRah.

Seriously...

There are times when I wonder what it is that the universe is trying to tell me. and I do wish that rather than tossing little lessons at me that it would just write it all out on the wall. I promise. I'll read it and pay attention.

I go through odd cycles in my life. Right now evidently I'm supposed to be working on my inner self and my relationships past and present. Yay...working on my self. Not one of my favorite things.I'd much rather work on other people's stuff....it's easier.

BUT given the fact that if you don't work things through the first time you keep repeating them until you DO figure it out...I'm going to grit my teeth, shut up and soldier (I do that part really well).


I cope better with things when I have a direction and a plan.

Right now the plan includes things like going to therapy- I have my first art therapy session in three weeks - looking forward to that. It should be interesting to see what bits of my psyche that reveals. I'm not sure if I should be afraid or happy..or both.

It also includes honest discussions with all parties involved. Full disclosure..no holding back..no polite fibs.
not always comfortable but I think it's ultimately healthier.
AND I'm getting back into tai chi and dance - work on the body (hopefully it'll help the sleep issues) and the mind and spirit...kind of a full round rennovation project.

Music and Lyrics...

Music has always been one of the things that means the most to me.
Some songs make me laugh every time I hear them, others bring back memories of good times (I can't hear "Too Darned Hot" without flashing back to belting it out in the kitchen a weekend LARP with a group of dear friends - you know who you are).


I associate some songs with friends some still with me...some passed like TruthTeller...one of his songs is of all things "Rock You Like A Hurricane"


then there's Dancer (a dear one who drowned several years ago), Dancer was one of the most sensually beautiful creatures I've ever seen one of the first things out of my mouth when I met him was " Can I shoot you" (relax folks I'm a photographer)and he has burned one song into my head - "Hunter Captured By the Game" I conned him into dancing at a friends bacholorette party and he delivered a jaw dropping performance that even had the lesbians in the audience fanning themselves. The man didn't remove a scrap of clothing no move was overtly suggestive but.....DAMN.

Another friend (I'll call him Cowboy) danced that night too - "Bad To The Bone" is associated with him forever now - Not a pro..but the boy did us proud and there was much whooping and laughter. His stipulation for dancing was that I have a bottle of gentleman jack for him to drink and to use as a prop...and that I kiss him well enough to get him past his stage fright...........yeah...I took one for the team. For some reason Cowboy and I always got into mischief together and it was almost always associated with music and booze, like the time we were dressed as vikings sitting in a dragon boat and belting out "Stroke Me" at the tops of our lungs while drinking Aftershock, Yukon Jack and Yager (please god folks....don't try that at home you will do the stupid.)- we ended up talking another friend into showing us his Prince Albert. It was surreal - 16 people dressed up as vikings (horned helmets and all) sitting by the lake listening to the description of the piercing event "AND THEN THEY WHACKED IT WITH A MALLET! - He was fine! but I had to have a Valium!" that being said by someone who'd gone along to lend the piercee immoral support. Another Cowboy moment - also at a LARP and also involving music and the piercee ( I think I'll call him Pierce at this point) We were all in the kitchen prepping some costumes. I was crittering and we had vampires..so I was properly vampired out. Pierce was playing around with another players whip and riding crop (dont ask! - I didn't..I didn't want to know) Cowboy (who was more than a little bit lit) was watching me put my fangs in and reapply my lipstick. "Cry little sister" from the lost boys soundtrack was playing. Cowboy got this...look and turned to my then Spouse and said " Hey, Spouse...can MissBehavin' bite my neck while Pierce spanks me?" Spouse said " I don't give a shit" The Cowboy asked me if I would and on the heels of the Spousal wave of ...whatever it was (there are reasons why he's my EX)and since I was already getting into character I took one for the team yet again...put some serious spirit on it too...and I shit thee not about two seconds into the scene in walks our business partner..Skippy (we each claimed to be the other one's evil twin...skippy - which is a whole nother blog post)and the music changed to (I shit thee not is a statement not unlike NO shit there we were) - "people are strange" He stood there for a second holding the monster cards and health points then said "No shit they're strange.... Did you guys plan that just to freak me out?" in unison we all three turned and said " Yup!" and Skippy gave us the thumbs up. "good job!"


Then there are songs that just kind of reach in and find the very core of my thoughts and express things far better than I ever could.

The music player to the right here is loaded with those.
"I know you by heart" is a Valentine to times past for me and a statement of fact.
You have to love Eva Cassidy's voice.

Insomnia

Braving the vast empty.
the question is...do I pray for dreams or fear them.
Sometimes its not nightmares ..it's the waking up and finding out that there's nothing there that's the hardest part.