Sunday, September 27, 2009

life lessons...

I've been having a lot of them lately. Mostly for the good.

Events have certainly left me with food for thought and a list of things to change/work on.

Evidently gender identity is going to be a theme for a bit now. Not my own. I've always been very firmly female - despite having a tendancy towards being treated 'like one of the guys'. But it seems like people are crossing my life who are ...out of synch inside with outsides. A good friend visited this weekend. She and her husband are in town for a Trans convention.  She came and hung out with me for part of the time while he went and played. I was impressed by the grace that she handled the situation with. They've been open and honest with one another from day one which seems to be the key to everything that's worth a damn.

I don't truly understand what it's like being boredom it's kind of an alien concept to me. I know that it's there and that it's huge...but all I can really do is offer sympathy and open minded love to those in my life who are fighting this inner battle.  I don't have an inner baseline that I can use to truly empathize through (being treated like one of the guys..uhhhhhhhh is nowhere even on the same realm as being born physically one sex but inwardly knowing that you're the other)  It really does boggle me that folks have to deal with something so enormous and yet so ....simple. I've felt out of whack with the world around me..but never within myself.  It's tough enough dealing with day to day problems and old ghosts. I can't begin to imagine what a stone cold bitch it would be to be stuck in the wrong body. The transgendered people who have crossed my life's path this turn of the wheel have my utmost respect and awe over the grace that they deal with life with.  All I can really offer them is my ear and unconditional love.'s all good..y'all would be among my favorite beings even if you were totally neuter and bright purple with lime spots.

The other theme is change and acceptance. Change the things you can....accept the things you can't. The trick is figuring out the difference.

Some kind of switch flipped over in my head on thursday...not sure what it was but I've become strangely peaceful. Evidently some sort of mental and emotional wall was pushed through. I have to admit as odd as this peace feels I much prefer it to the emotional tossing and turning that I was doing.

I have some plans and goals now...that always helps me. I think it's that Marine upbringing.
Target acquired....go and do.... OooRah.

Friday, September 25, 2009


There are times when I wonder what it is that the universe is trying to tell me. and I do wish that rather than tossing little lessons at me that it would just write it all out on the wall. I promise. I'll read it and pay attention.

I go through odd cycles in my life. Right now evidently I'm supposed to be working on my inner self and my relationships past and present. Yay...working on my self. Not one of my favorite things.I'd much rather work on other people's's easier.

BUT given the fact that if you don't work things through the first time you keep repeating them until you DO figure it out...I'm going to grit my teeth, shut up and soldier (I do that part really well).

I cope better with things when I have a direction and a plan.

Right now the plan includes things like going to therapy- I have my first art therapy session in three weeks - looking forward to that. It should be interesting to see what bits of my psyche that reveals. I'm not sure if I should be afraid or happy..or both.

It also includes honest discussions with all parties involved. Full holding polite fibs.
not always comfortable but I think it's ultimately healthier.
AND I'm getting back into tai chi and dance - work on the body (hopefully it'll help the sleep issues) and the mind and spirit...kind of a full round rennovation project.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Music and Lyrics...

Music has always been one of the things that means the most to me.
Some songs make me laugh every time I hear them, others bring back memories of good times (I can't hear "Too Darned Hot" without flashing back to belting it out in the kitchen a weekend LARP with a group of dear friends - you know who you are).

I associate some songs with friends some still with me...some passed like of his songs is of all things "Rock You Like A Hurricane"

then there's Dancer (a dear one who drowned several years ago), Dancer was one of the most sensually beautiful creatures I've ever seen one of the first things out of my mouth when I met him was " Can I shoot you" (relax folks I'm a photographer)and he has burned one song into my head - "Hunter Captured By the Game" I conned him into dancing at a friends bacholorette party and he delivered a jaw dropping performance that even had the lesbians in the audience fanning themselves. The man didn't remove a scrap of clothing no move was overtly suggestive but.....DAMN.

Another friend (I'll call him Cowboy) danced that night too - "Bad To The Bone" is associated with him forever now - Not a pro..but the boy did us proud and there was much whooping and laughter. His stipulation for dancing was that I have a bottle of gentleman jack for him to drink and to use as a prop...and that I kiss him well enough to get him past his stage fright...........yeah...I took one for the team. For some reason Cowboy and I always got into mischief together and it was almost always associated with music and booze, like the time we were dressed as vikings sitting in a dragon boat and belting out "Stroke Me" at the tops of our lungs while drinking Aftershock, Yukon Jack and Yager (please god folks....don't try that at home you will do the stupid.)- we ended up talking another friend into showing us his Prince Albert. It was surreal - 16 people dressed up as vikings (horned helmets and all) sitting by the lake listening to the description of the piercing event "AND THEN THEY WHACKED IT WITH A MALLET! - He was fine! but I had to have a Valium!" that being said by someone who'd gone along to lend the piercee immoral support. Another Cowboy moment - also at a LARP and also involving music and the piercee ( I think I'll call him Pierce at this point) We were all in the kitchen prepping some costumes. I was crittering and we had I was properly vampired out. Pierce was playing around with another players whip and riding crop (dont ask! - I didn't..I didn't want to know) Cowboy (who was more than a little bit lit) was watching me put my fangs in and reapply my lipstick. "Cry little sister" from the lost boys soundtrack was playing. Cowboy got this...look and turned to my then Spouse and said " Hey, Spouse...can MissBehavin' bite my neck while Pierce spanks me?" Spouse said " I don't give a shit" The Cowboy asked me if I would and on the heels of the Spousal wave of ...whatever it was (there are reasons why he's my EX)and since I was already getting into character I took one for the team yet again...put some serious spirit on it too...and I shit thee not about two seconds into the scene in walks our business partner..Skippy (we each claimed to be the other one's evil twin...skippy - which is a whole nother blog post)and the music changed to (I shit thee not is a statement not unlike NO shit there we were) - "people are strange" He stood there for a second holding the monster cards and health points then said "No shit they're strange.... Did you guys plan that just to freak me out?" in unison we all three turned and said " Yup!" and Skippy gave us the thumbs up. "good job!"

Then there are songs that just kind of reach in and find the very core of my thoughts and express things far better than I ever could.

The music player to the right here is loaded with those.
"I know you by heart" is a Valentine to times past for me and a statement of fact.
You have to love Eva Cassidy's voice.


Braving the vast empty.
the question I pray for dreams or fear them.
Sometimes its not nightmares's the waking up and finding out that there's nothing there that's the hardest part.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Love and Friendship

I am enormously blessed and horribly cursed with both.

Most days I feel blessed beyond all reason. I can't think of a person who has more friends ...I'm talking deep abiding TRUE friends. The sort you laugh until you heal with, the kind that will sit up and listen to you until the wee hours of the morning. The sort that love you enough to kick you square in the ass when you really need it. We've helped ground guide one another through all manner of things from death to beyond. It is a beautiful thing.

Usually I'm the one helping pilot or navigate. I'm the stoic one. If you need crap cleaned up...I'm the go to gal.

Right now though I have my own mental and emotional stables to clean and they're really a god awful mess. Evidently I kept incontinent elephants.

In my younger much more naive days... I thought that love could triumph over anything if you just let it. The I found out that love only works if both of you work it...then I ceased to believe in love at all and when I was relatively content in that lack of belief.... love came and found me and woke up every single thing that I'd locked away.

It was... intense, amazing, pure comfort... like coming home or finding the bit of me that I didn't know was missing. Unfortunately things didn't work out - lots of reasons..fear mostly on both our parts. my instincts tell me that this is a dance that he and I have done before and will probably do again in the next turn of the wheel and keep repeating until we either figure it out or one of us just gives up.

We walked away from one anothers lives for several years. Each in our own way trying to move on and fill the void left behind - he married and had a family - I delved into sports fucking (that didn't last - damn my good girl tendancies and picky nature) and became a work-a-holic graphic artist. I don't fall in love easily...I don't fall out easily and this person is incredibly special. I won't discuss any details here (and ask that others who I've whined to don't either) other than to say that beneath and beyond the love (which it seems we rather sadly both still feel)that we are friends, really good friends.

Right now, I'm almost unbearably sad for him. He's forgotten how to dream. That's tragic.

Love doesn't overcome all...sometimes love just complicates things horribly. I am... with precious little sleep and too many things on my mind trying to sort things out here on the screen... which has a level of irony to it considering that I'm probably one of the most private people you'll ever meet. Here there though..I'm somewhat comfortably masked so I guess it's easier to talk about stuff. Odds are good about 90% of the people who read this won't even give a damn...there's comfort in that. It's cheaper than a visit to the shrink.

I'd love to be able to turn back time and do some things differently...but I can't.
I'd like to be able to just put this away on the shelf in a box marked resolved...but I can't yet.

Like I said..blessed and cursed. Blessed in that I have friends who listen unconditionally and who have good sense. Blessed in that I have known something as intense and deep as this is.

Cursed...well..I think that's pretty damned obvious. Sane sensible stoic in love with a married man (What....the....fuck?!) and it's not going away. I've tried making it go away - it won't and honestly as painful as being platonic friends can be it's ever so much better than the void that's left when I don't have contact.
My Aunt Maggie always compared me to a swan....serene on the surface but paddling like hell just to stay afloat - that crazy hedge witch may just have cursed me with that comparison because swans mate for life. Dammit. it's all so angsty and melo-dramatic. I positively loathe angst and melodrama is for hacks. I wish I could convince my heart to just get the hell over it and go on. that's what normal people do.

Obviously..before Cameron says it...I'm not normal people.

I wonder if I get to choose what I am...if so...
God, please make me stone.