Friday, July 3, 2009

Pixie Stix, Boardgames, dropped computers and Star Wars

It's funny the things that will trigger grief...

A bunch of us experienced a huge loss in our lives a couple of weeks ago. One of our inner circle died after a prolonged illness.

I made it through his funeral and the days after with only a couple of bobbles. My meltdown triggers then were a bag full of pixie stix - he was a diabetic and to me finding them was almost like finding a smoking gun. They made me furious. I wanted to rage and scream but that's not my style. (bear in mind that my meltdowns are small puny things. a brief burst of tears then I suck it up. I'm a control freak it's just the way I was raised. you shut up and soldier even when you want to curl up and howl..maybe especially when you want to curl up and howl) The second meltdown came when another friend and I were picking out some boardgames to donate to a charity auction. It just kind of crowded in on me that I'd never again play one of these games with this person - he and I used to go at one another tooth and nail, ferociously and viciously...and enjoy every second of it. I'm going to miss that SO much.

This week it's bitten me again...once when I knocked my computer's the way I make my living and I panicked when it wouldn't start again - my first thought was "oh god I have to call (insert dead friend's name here)" which was followed immediately by the stark realization that I was all alone with out my ubergeek to help me. I don't think I've ever felt lonelier and trust me..I know what lonely is all about.
One I stopped crying and calmed back down I felt him guiding me through what turned out to be a fairly easy fix but for a few minutes there I felt supremely sorry for myself. I'd lost a good friend...and was probably gonna end up living in a box under a bridge because I'd just killed my livelihood. Grief isn't rational.

Todays bite came when I turned on the telly and did some surfing... I discovered that Star Wars was about to start..which was exciting..I'm a big old geek.
I found myself sitting there watching the movie with tears rolling down my cheeks thinking about sitting outside the theatre waiting for the very first midnight showing of Phantom Menace and the other two recent movies with even though I'm not that much of a Star Wars geek and how much fun it was watching his excitement and of all of the other movies we'd seen together , how much he'd laughed at me for squealing out loud with happiness over the trailer for Serenity (my geekdom) and talking about what we'd just seen over pizza at Frodos and then I cried for all of the movies in the future that I'd have to sit through without him.