Soul weary.

There's a painting in the phrase some where, just scratching to get out.

I'm up pulling another all-nighter.  I'm doing that hamster on a wheel thing again..running full out.


You'd think someone who works as much as I do would have a much more lavish life but nope....I'm pretty basic.

Tons of food for thought the past few weeks not much of it worth sharing.

Right now I'm procrastinating. I just needed to stop with the work for a little bit and do something different. so I'm writing.


Talked to The Brit a couple of times this week. He's working on getting his balance back after setting up house. It's a huge adjustment  but honestly he sounds more like his self now than he did when he popped back up into my life. He doesn't sound as beaten. ...still a bit bruised but not beaten down any more. I'm cheering for him. My heart used to ache every time we talked because he didn't have his dreams. He always sounded so very lost... Now he's ....slowly coming back and is kind of amazed by how people are noticing the return of the person that he used to be.

Been talking to Cameron a bit too. I'm VERY proud of him and Grace for hanging in there through some tough times.  There's more ahead it's a long damned road but worth the journey. We talked earlier tonight about his plans for a GBLT themed show - bouncing painting concepts around. it's going to be gut wrenching and powerful. Some of the imagery made me cringe and choke up. sure sign of good art..it moves you to reaction.

Can't wait to see it.

I'll probably cry but still it's going to be amazing.

I've been nattering back and forth with a new friend over the past week or so. He's converting an RV into a steampunk "airship" ...how cool is that? It's been fun getting my steampunk -geek on.  The talks over the upholstery and such spawned a couple of painting and story notions So Thanks ...hmmm what shall I call him... Ah...The Professor. That works.


I'm not in the best head space at the moment. The past couple of months have been very wearing. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels lifewise...I run full bore about 20 hours a day and never seem to go anywhere. I'm not really sure what else I should do. Prayer happens. God and I have a lot of talks..well..I whine..he listens.
 I'm just not where I want to be and I'm not sure how to get there from here.

There are times when it seems like my wants and needs are just too...complicated but when I write them down they seem so very simple almost pathetic really

1- to love and be loved in return. - I've got that...I'm loved by my friends. and I love them back but it's just not enough. Which makes me feel ungrateful and greedy. I also spend a lot of time wondering why? Am I not lovable? what if I'm not? am I really *that* grotesque?...what if I am? Can I fix me? is it too late?

2- to have a family of my own- that's not going to happen. I mean..not in the way that I would have liked it to. I have a family...just not the kind I wanted. I wanted the whole kids and a home thing.  The only time I really ever get angry at the Ex is when I think about what staying with him cost me. It cost me the chance to have a family of my own.  I left him over 10 years ago...so there was some time...but I feel like kids need two parents and I did get pregnant early in that time..but miscarried. I still feel that loss and emptiness so sharply that some days it's like it just happened. There are times when it makes my move here to the big peach feel like an epic fail. All of my friends here have children.  I'm surrounded. I make a great "Aunt MissBehavin"  but there are times when I have to get away from them. I feel myself becoming a hermit between that and the cane going out is becoming increasingly more painful for me. It's much easier to stay in and work.

3 - to be financially secure. Last month was horrible. It left me wondering if I was going to end up designing from a box under a bridge. things are slowly picking up again but ...damn it's like a every time I claw my way up I  find out that the hole just keeps going.  I'm tired.




Speaking of work...time to get back to it my wheel is waiting...