life lessons...

I've been having a lot of them lately. Mostly for the good.

Events have certainly left me with food for thought and a list of things to change/work on.

Evidently gender identity is going to be a theme for a bit now. Not my own. I've always been very firmly female - despite having a tendancy towards being treated 'like one of the guys'. But it seems like people are crossing my life who are ...out of synch inside with outsides. A good friend visited this weekend. She and her husband are in town for a Trans convention.  She came and hung out with me for part of the time while he went and played. I was impressed by the grace that she handled the situation with. They've been open and honest with one another from day one which seems to be the key to everything that's worth a damn.


I don't truly understand what it's like being transgendered...like boredom it's kind of an alien concept to me. I know that it's there and that it's huge...but all I can really do is offer sympathy and open minded love to those in my life who are fighting this inner battle.  I don't have an inner baseline that I can use to truly empathize through (being treated like one of the guys..uhhhhhhhh is nowhere even on the same realm as being born physically one sex but inwardly knowing that you're the other)  It really does boggle me that folks have to deal with something so enormous and yet so ....simple. I've felt out of whack with the world around me..but never within myself.  It's tough enough dealing with day to day problems and old ghosts. I can't begin to imagine what a stone cold bitch it would be to be stuck in the wrong body. The transgendered people who have crossed my life's path this turn of the wheel have my utmost respect and awe over the grace that they deal with life with.  All I can really offer them is my ear and unconditional love. Boy...girl..it's all good..y'all would be among my favorite beings even if you were totally neuter and bright purple with lime spots.


The other theme is change and acceptance. Change the things you can....accept the things you can't. The trick is figuring out the difference.

Some kind of switch flipped over in my head on thursday...not sure what it was but I've become strangely peaceful. Evidently some sort of mental and emotional wall was pushed through. I have to admit as odd as this peace feels I much prefer it to the emotional tossing and turning that I was doing.


I have some plans and goals now...that always helps me. I think it's that Marine upbringing.
Target acquired....go and do.... OooRah.

Seriously...

There are times when I wonder what it is that the universe is trying to tell me. and I do wish that rather than tossing little lessons at me that it would just write it all out on the wall. I promise. I'll read it and pay attention.

I go through odd cycles in my life. Right now evidently I'm supposed to be working on my inner self and my relationships past and present. Yay...working on my self. Not one of my favorite things.I'd much rather work on other people's stuff....it's easier.

BUT given the fact that if you don't work things through the first time you keep repeating them until you DO figure it out...I'm going to grit my teeth, shut up and soldier (I do that part really well).


I cope better with things when I have a direction and a plan.

Right now the plan includes things like going to therapy- I have my first art therapy session in three weeks - looking forward to that. It should be interesting to see what bits of my psyche that reveals. I'm not sure if I should be afraid or happy..or both.

It also includes honest discussions with all parties involved. Full disclosure..no holding back..no polite fibs.
not always comfortable but I think it's ultimately healthier.
AND I'm getting back into tai chi and dance - work on the body (hopefully it'll help the sleep issues) and the mind and spirit...kind of a full round rennovation project.

Music and Lyrics...

Music has always been one of the things that means the most to me.
Some songs make me laugh every time I hear them, others bring back memories of good times (I can't hear "Too Darned Hot" without flashing back to belting it out in the kitchen a weekend LARP with a group of dear friends - you know who you are).


I associate some songs with friends some still with me...some passed like TruthTeller...one of his songs is of all things "Rock You Like A Hurricane"


then there's Dancer (a dear one who drowned several years ago), Dancer was one of the most sensually beautiful creatures I've ever seen one of the first things out of my mouth when I met him was " Can I shoot you" (relax folks I'm a photographer)and he has burned one song into my head - "Hunter Captured By the Game" I conned him into dancing at a friends bacholorette party and he delivered a jaw dropping performance that even had the lesbians in the audience fanning themselves. The man didn't remove a scrap of clothing no move was overtly suggestive but.....DAMN.

Another friend (I'll call him Cowboy) danced that night too - "Bad To The Bone" is associated with him forever now - Not a pro..but the boy did us proud and there was much whooping and laughter. His stipulation for dancing was that I have a bottle of gentleman jack for him to drink and to use as a prop...and that I kiss him well enough to get him past his stage fright...........yeah...I took one for the team. For some reason Cowboy and I always got into mischief together and it was almost always associated with music and booze, like the time we were dressed as vikings sitting in a dragon boat and belting out "Stroke Me" at the tops of our lungs while drinking Aftershock, Yukon Jack and Yager (please god folks....don't try that at home you will do the stupid.)- we ended up talking another friend into showing us his Prince Albert. It was surreal - 16 people dressed up as vikings (horned helmets and all) sitting by the lake listening to the description of the piercing event "AND THEN THEY WHACKED IT WITH A MALLET! - He was fine! but I had to have a Valium!" that being said by someone who'd gone along to lend the piercee immoral support. Another Cowboy moment - also at a LARP and also involving music and the piercee ( I think I'll call him Pierce at this point) We were all in the kitchen prepping some costumes. I was crittering and we had vampires..so I was properly vampired out. Pierce was playing around with another players whip and riding crop (dont ask! - I didn't..I didn't want to know) Cowboy (who was more than a little bit lit) was watching me put my fangs in and reapply my lipstick. "Cry little sister" from the lost boys soundtrack was playing. Cowboy got this...look and turned to my then Spouse and said " Hey, Spouse...can MissBehavin' bite my neck while Pierce spanks me?" Spouse said " I don't give a shit" The Cowboy asked me if I would and on the heels of the Spousal wave of ...whatever it was (there are reasons why he's my EX)and since I was already getting into character I took one for the team yet again...put some serious spirit on it too...and I shit thee not about two seconds into the scene in walks our business partner..Skippy (we each claimed to be the other one's evil twin...skippy - which is a whole nother blog post)and the music changed to (I shit thee not is a statement not unlike NO shit there we were) - "people are strange" He stood there for a second holding the monster cards and health points then said "No shit they're strange.... Did you guys plan that just to freak me out?" in unison we all three turned and said " Yup!" and Skippy gave us the thumbs up. "good job!"


Then there are songs that just kind of reach in and find the very core of my thoughts and express things far better than I ever could.

The music player to the right here is loaded with those.
"I know you by heart" is a Valentine to times past for me and a statement of fact.
You have to love Eva Cassidy's voice.

Insomnia

Braving the vast empty.
the question is...do I pray for dreams or fear them.
Sometimes its not nightmares ..it's the waking up and finding out that there's nothing there that's the hardest part.

Love and Friendship

I am enormously blessed and horribly cursed with both.

Most days I feel blessed beyond all reason. I can't think of a person who has more friends ...I'm talking deep abiding TRUE friends. The sort you laugh until you heal with, the kind that will sit up and listen to you until the wee hours of the morning. The sort that love you enough to kick you square in the ass when you really need it. We've helped ground guide one another through all manner of things from death to beyond. It is a beautiful thing.

Usually I'm the one helping pilot or navigate. I'm the stoic one. If you need crap cleaned up...I'm the go to gal.

Right now though I have my own mental and emotional stables to clean and they're really a god awful mess. Evidently I kept incontinent elephants.


In my younger much more naive days... I thought that love could triumph over anything if you just let it. The I found out that love only works if both of you work it...then I ceased to believe in love at all and when I was relatively content in that lack of belief.... love came and found me and woke up every single thing that I'd locked away.

It was... intense, amazing, pure comfort... like coming home or finding the bit of me that I didn't know was missing. Unfortunately things didn't work out - lots of reasons..fear mostly on both our parts. my instincts tell me that this is a dance that he and I have done before and will probably do again in the next turn of the wheel and keep repeating until we either figure it out or one of us just gives up.



We walked away from one anothers lives for several years. Each in our own way trying to move on and fill the void left behind - he married and had a family - I delved into sports fucking (that didn't last - damn my good girl tendancies and picky nature) and became a work-a-holic graphic artist. I don't fall in love easily...I don't fall out easily and this person is incredibly special. I won't discuss any details here (and ask that others who I've whined to don't either) other than to say that beneath and beyond the love (which it seems we rather sadly both still feel)that we are friends, really good friends.


Right now, I'm almost unbearably sad for him. He's forgotten how to dream. That's tragic.


Love doesn't overcome all...sometimes love just complicates things horribly.


So...here I am... with precious little sleep and too many things on my mind trying to sort things out here on the screen... which has a level of irony to it considering that I'm probably one of the most private people you'll ever meet. Here there though..I'm somewhat comfortably masked so I guess it's easier to talk about stuff. Odds are good about 90% of the people who read this won't even give a damn...there's comfort in that. It's cheaper than a visit to the shrink.


I'd love to be able to turn back time and do some things differently...but I can't.
I'd like to be able to just put this away on the shelf in a box marked resolved...but I can't yet.

Like I said..blessed and cursed. Blessed in that I have friends who listen unconditionally and who have good sense. Blessed in that I have known something as intense and deep as this is.

Cursed...well..I think that's pretty damned obvious. Sane sensible stoic me..is in love with a married man (What....the....fuck?!) and it's not going away. I've tried making it go away - it won't and honestly as painful as being platonic friends can be it's ever so much better than the void that's left when I don't have contact.
My Aunt Maggie always compared me to a swan....serene on the surface but paddling like hell just to stay afloat - that crazy hedge witch may just have cursed me with that comparison because swans mate for life. Dammit. it's all so angsty and melo-dramatic. I positively loathe angst and melodrama is for hacks. I wish I could convince my heart to just get the hell over it and go on. that's what normal people do.


Obviously..before Cameron says it...I'm not normal people.

I wonder if I get to choose what I am...if so...
God, please make me stone.

Insanity

An instructor mine once defined insanity as repeating the same act over and over again ......but expecting different results.

I must acknowledge his rightness and add my own take.

Insanity is repeating the same actions over and over again....despite KNOWING what the results are going to be.



Anybody got a nice hug-myself jacket I can borrow?

Procrastination and a new look...

Was a bit tired this morning and couldn't bring myself to do any actual work so I putzed with my blog header. It's like cleansing the mental palate.

Julember

Dear Universe,
I've noticed a bad trend over the past 10 years or so...June, July, August and September have pretty much turned into a big pile of suck for most all of my friends.
So I've decided that from here on out..I'm skipping those months entirely..they're stricken from my calendar and replaced by only the good bits that are left over from the suck pile....this new multimonth is known simply as Julember. It will be a time to contemplate fireflies, flowers and your navel...and growth will only occur in things like hair, love, peace, tolerance and fingernails and will be uncomplicated and beautiful.

There will be no more character building durning these months..its simply far too hot to build character...it'll just melt any way.

Thanks
Very sincerely,
Me.


I spent my Sunday wandering around Little Fivepoints with Blithe Spirit, a friend who was visiting from out of town. I walked and sweated far more than was healthy and the day turned passing strange.
I'd had a fall yesterday that popped my hip out and left me with some astonishingly colorful bruises so I ended up sitting in the park and watching the people go by while Blithe wandered into and out of the shops looking at trinkets and buying relationship end cleansing candles.

The day once again illustrated that I am ...flypaper for freaks.An amazing assortment of people wandered up and started conversations with me. One very nice missionary type thought since I was sitting on a park bench in companionable silence with a street busker (he was taking a rest between sets) that I simply HAD to be homeless and she came over and tried to give me suggestions where I could go to find shelter and such. Now I wasn't ragged or ratty...I was clean albeit sweaty and well dressed (albeit somewhat eccentrically - 3/4th length sleeved shirt and an ankle tribal print jumper - the shirt because I'm dayglo' white and can't expose myself to direct sun without risking flaming up)and I'm FAR too well fed to be street folk. I let her ramble on for a bit..then begged her pardon long enough to answer my phone.Which startled her a bit.. After she listened to one side of the conversation ( "Hey you! No...we're in Little 5 taking in the sites... we're planning on either hitting Geisha house (upscale sushi bar) or finding some kind of asian..but first I need to go home, shower and change, I'm ripe enough to convice some folks that I'm homeless rather than just another grubby artist")
the lightbulb went on above her head and she started blushing and stammering.
I grinned and winked, she vanished.
Blithe came back in time to meet my next attraction....a very well lubbed fellow who insisted on helping me walk to the tattoo parlor (Blithe was looking at break up tattoos.) then hung around quite some time...trying to panhandle and giving way too many compliments for comfort. Its been a long time since anyone told me that I was beautiful with such incredible sincerity. It made me sad.

We ended up wandering back to the house for much needed cooling down and showers before going back into the city proper for dinner at Grand China.

Fresh bao and wakame salad and basil rolls...yum.

Of course dinner came with a side of "what the fuck?!" and "damn it's a small world"
Blithe was suddenly struck by the fact that the Meadowlark everyone has been mentioning she looks like was one and the same with the Meadowlark that her ex husband dated, had a huge crush on and made a film about. Poor baby looked like someone had poked her in the gut with a taser.
there are days when it's an insanely tiny universe and days when it's just ...insane.

today was a bit of both.
I sit here finding myself knowing that I'm where I currently am for some higher reason....I'm not sure what it is yet..but I feel it headed my way. That scares me. alot

I also find myself knowing that the odds of my finding love again in this turn of the wheel are pretty much non-existant. and that saddens me...it also makes me acheingly lonely. I mourn for the children that I never had...for the love that I never truly had...and ache for the touch of someone who genuinely wants me - and I question if I've ever truly had that..and I envy those who do.and I question why? am I not worthy? why others and not me? I don't get any answers aside from 'it's needed and it will make you stronger'
great... more fuckin' character building.

Honestly powers that be... could you cut a girl some slack? I really am quite a character already... Honest.

Pixie Stix, Boardgames, dropped computers and Star Wars

It's funny the things that will trigger grief...

A bunch of us experienced a huge loss in our lives a couple of weeks ago. One of our inner circle died after a prolonged illness.


I made it through his funeral and the days after with only a couple of bobbles. My meltdown triggers then were a bag full of pixie stix - he was a diabetic and to me finding them was almost like finding a smoking gun. They made me angry....no furious. I wanted to rage and scream but that's not my style. (bear in mind that my meltdowns are small puny things. a brief burst of tears then I suck it up. I'm a control freak it's just the way I was raised. you shut up and soldier even when you want to curl up and howl..maybe especially when you want to curl up and howl) The second meltdown came when another friend and I were picking out some boardgames to donate to a charity auction. It just kind of crowded in on me that I'd never again play one of these games with this person - he and I used to go at one another tooth and nail, ferociously and viciously...and enjoy every second of it. I'm going to miss that SO much.

This week it's bitten me again...once when I knocked my computer over...it's the way I make my living and I panicked when it wouldn't start again - my first thought was "oh god I have to call (insert dead friend's name here)" which was followed immediately by the stark realization that I was all alone with out my ubergeek to help me. I don't think I've ever felt lonelier and trust me..I know what lonely is all about.
One I stopped crying and calmed back down I felt him guiding me through what turned out to be a fairly easy fix but for a few minutes there I felt supremely sorry for myself. I'd lost a good friend...and was probably gonna end up living in a box under a bridge because I'd just killed my livelihood. Grief isn't rational.

Todays bite came when I turned on the telly and did some surfing... I discovered that Star Wars was about to start..which was exciting..I'm a big old geek.
I found myself sitting there watching the movie with tears rolling down my cheeks thinking about sitting outside the theatre waiting for the very first midnight showing of Phantom Menace and the other two recent movies with even though I'm not that much of a Star Wars geek and how much fun it was watching his excitement and of all of the other movies we'd seen together , how much he'd laughed at me for squealing out loud with happiness over the trailer for Serenity (my geekdom) and talking about what we'd just seen over pizza at Frodos and then I cried for all of the movies in the future that I'd have to sit through without him.

My year in music

Music has always been a huge part of my life...every year I do a soundtrack

here's the latest one.

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An old but funny story...

A good friend passed yesterday so I'm comforting myself with revisiting some happy memories...
let me tell you a story that kind of sums up how my life tends to go.

This is from a year or so ago when I was still an ad monkey for a small paper rather than a free-range monkey.. I call it.

Dim Sum, Incense and sex toys....

I work a strange and interesting schedule....and frequently live in strange and interesting times tooOn fridays I work a 12 hour day - I'm a graphic designer Friday is when we put the paper to bed, get paid, and get flooded with last minute ads. Fridays are always extra special.Since I work a long day, I take a long late lunch....usually I run errands but every now and then I manage to catch lunch with a very dear friend who I have the good grace to work with. Jay's one of my favorite people - he's one of those friends that I count on when things are bad and cherish when things are good. He has the uncanny ability to turn just about anything into fun. He's another artist and a damned fine one.This past friday we got to do the lunch thing together - always exciting - doubly so this time because I've found another little hole in the wall vietnamese place that's cheap. Cheap asian food without MSG in it is a wonderful thing. This place is extra fabulous because they're family run, only about a mile from work and they have an enormous menu that includes Dim Sum. If you've never had good Dim Sum -find a place and try them. Done right they're a real treat.This restaurant is on pleasantburg - right across from Taco Casa and next door to a funky little body piercing and headshop called Up In Smoke.Well--- Jay and I had a lovely leisurely lunch of Dimsum, spring rolls and pho. We still had some time left so I decided it'd be great to wander next door and pick up some incense - I was out of Nag Champa.So away we went....Merrily running our mouths the whole time.Well....Up In Smoke also has an "adults only" side room. When we wandered through the door and after I'd grabbed my incense....the two of us couldn't resist the lure of the beaded curtain. Much hilarity insued.I've come to the conclusion that I'm very vanilla....and that the human race is with out a doubt incredibly inventive and possibly more than a little bit bent.Jay and I wandered around the little side room, alternating between howls of laughter and head tilted now how is that appealing expressions. He got particularly tickled by the fact that there was a whole section of discount Gay Porn by a company called Bob Jones Industries ( there's a local Fundy Baptist college called Bob Jones University) I got a bad case of the giggles over a product called Don Wand - use your imagination...you'll figure it out.Much silly fun insued then I decided what the hell it's just Jay ...he's known me for years and we have very few secrets - and I really did need a replacement silver bullet - google it- and if you're female...buy one. god bless technology. (oh what?! yes I masturbate, it's the ultimate in safe sex and I *always* respect myself in the morning) . Now....the shop had been completely empty....but the second I picked up my purchase and started out the naughty room door half the known world decided that they simply had to have clove ciggy's, incense and piercings. I had a choice..I could either put it back and go out empty handed and possibly suffer lesser blushing or I could balls it out.I ballsed it out. I pasted my very best bland calm expression on and wandered on up to the counter, and plunked the little shiny packet up next to my incense.Wouldn't you know it...I get the chatty clerk from hell "Oh my god! My girlfriend loves those.have you tried one before?""why yes...yes I have...thanks for asking. She's absolutely right they're superb" I gave him the ol' raised eyebrow and the cool well modulated phone voice. [I could hear giggles from Jay - they got a bit more pronounced as my checkout turned in to a game of 20 questions ]The moral of this particular tale.......go out for dimsum and incense but buy your vibrators online.