A bunch of us experienced a huge loss in our lives a couple of weeks ago. One of our inner circle died after a prolonged illness.
I made it through his funeral and the days after with only a couple of bobbles. My meltdown triggers then were a bag full of pixie stix - he was a diabetic and to me finding them was almost like finding a smoking gun. They made me angry....no furious. I wanted to rage and scream but that's not my style. (bear in mind that my meltdowns are small puny things. a brief burst of tears then I suck it up. I'm a control freak it's just the way I was raised. you shut up and soldier even when you want to curl up and howl..maybe especially when you want to curl up and howl) The second meltdown came when another friend and I were picking out some boardgames to donate to a charity auction. It just kind of crowded in on me that I'd never again play one of these games with this person - he and I used to go at one another tooth and nail, ferociously and viciously...and enjoy every second of it. I'm going to miss that SO much.
This week it's bitten me again...once when I knocked my computer over...it's the way I make my living and I panicked when it wouldn't start again - my first thought was "oh god I have to call (insert dead friend's name here)" which was followed immediately by the stark realization that I was all alone with out my ubergeek to help me. I don't think I've ever felt lonelier and trust me..I know what lonely is all about.
One I stopped crying and calmed back down I felt him guiding me through what turned out to be a fairly easy fix but for a few minutes there I felt supremely sorry for myself. I'd lost a good friend...and was probably gonna end up living in a box under a bridge because I'd just killed my livelihood. Grief isn't rational.
Todays bite came when I turned on the telly and did some surfing... I discovered that Star Wars was about to start..which was exciting..I'm a big old geek.
I found myself sitting there watching the movie with tears rolling down my cheeks thinking about sitting outside the theatre waiting for the very first midnight showing of Phantom Menace and the other two recent movies with
Ok...now I'm crying. Which isn't a bad thing, mind you - I'm stoic, but not your brand of stoic. I'd had the Oh crap feeling about my computer going belly up and him not being there to save my computer's ass and there is nothing WRONG with my computer! And I am DESPERATELY not thinking about games or gaming - I will LOSE it! The sheer size of the hole in our lives without him is just...far bigger than I could ever imagine it would be. I went by the house and found that I could not look at the computer room or the couch...he wasn't going to be there and he simply HAD to be there. It was inconceivable that he wasnt going to be there. I just found out the other day in casual conversation that he had held me in high regard and love, beyond what I had realized and I sat and cried my eyes out for awhile. It's a strange world we now live in. C S Lewis wrote in a poem about the death of his best friend (paraphrased) "who could I talk to about the loss of you, except you yourself." That's it exactly. The loss is huge and he isn't here to talk to about the loss. Big long distant zen hugs for you. Love you lots friend! If you need someone to scream to, cry with, remember with...IM, call, send up a smole signal, whatever. I know you do the whole stoic alone thing, but you also know *I* of all people get it! Hang in there.
ReplyDelete