I am enormously blessed and horribly cursed with both.
Most days I feel blessed beyond all reason. I can't think of a person who has more friends ...I'm talking deep abiding TRUE friends. The sort you laugh until you heal with, the kind that will sit up and listen to you until the wee hours of the morning. The sort that love you enough to kick you square in the ass when you really need it. We've helped ground guide one another through all manner of things from death to beyond. It is a beautiful thing.
Usually I'm the one helping pilot or navigate. I'm the stoic one. If you need crap cleaned up...I'm the go to gal.
Right now though I have my own mental and emotional stables to clean and they're really a god awful mess. Evidently I kept incontinent elephants.
In my younger much more naive days... I thought that love could triumph over anything if you just let it. The I found out that love only works if both of you work it...then I ceased to believe in love at all and when I was relatively content in that lack of belief.... love came and found me and woke up every single thing that I'd locked away.
It was... intense, amazing, pure comfort... like coming home or finding the bit of me that I didn't know was missing. Unfortunately things didn't work out - lots of reasons..fear mostly on both our parts. my instincts tell me that this is a dance that he and I have done before and will probably do again in the next turn of the wheel and keep repeating until we either figure it out or one of us just gives up.
We walked away from one anothers lives for several years. Each in our own way trying to move on and fill the void left behind - he married and had a family - I delved into sports fucking (that didn't last - damn my good girl tendancies and picky nature) and became a work-a-holic graphic artist. I don't fall in love easily...I don't fall out easily and this person is incredibly special. I won't discuss any details here (and ask that others who I've whined to don't either) other than to say that beneath and beyond the love (which it seems we rather sadly both still feel)that we are friends, really good friends.
Right now, I'm almost unbearably sad for him. He's forgotten how to dream. That's tragic.
Love doesn't overcome all...sometimes love just complicates things horribly.
So...here I am... with precious little sleep and too many things on my mind trying to sort things out here on the screen... which has a level of irony to it considering that I'm probably one of the most private people you'll ever meet. Here there though..I'm somewhat comfortably masked so I guess it's easier to talk about stuff. Odds are good about 90% of the people who read this won't even give a damn...there's comfort in that. It's cheaper than a visit to the shrink.
I'd love to be able to turn back time and do some things differently...but I can't.
I'd like to be able to just put this away on the shelf in a box marked resolved...but I can't yet.
Like I said..blessed and cursed. Blessed in that I have friends who listen unconditionally and who have good sense. Blessed in that I have known something as intense and deep as this is.
Cursed...well..I think that's pretty damned obvious. Sane sensible stoic me..is in love with a married man (What....the....fuck?!) and it's not going away. I've tried making it go away - it won't and honestly as painful as being platonic friends can be it's ever so much better than the void that's left when I don't have contact.
My Aunt Maggie always compared me to a swan....serene on the surface but paddling like hell just to stay afloat - that crazy hedge witch may just have cursed me with that comparison because swans mate for life. Dammit. it's all so angsty and melo-dramatic. I positively loathe angst and melodrama is for hacks. I wish I could convince my heart to just get the hell over it and go on. that's what normal people do.
Obviously..before Cameron says it...I'm not normal people.
I wonder if I get to choose what I am...if so...
God, please make me stone.
